to a certain someone who was surprised when i updated my blog. clearly. you should visit this link more often
i hate blogging. i think i'm a walking contradiction. since i have been blogging (albeit inconsistently) for the past 4 years now. 2003. makes it five now that we're in 2008. (i'm still living in 2007 actually) but yes. why so. is exactly why i can safely say i hate sharing. (though most ppl who know me actually realize i share a LOT) its because i NEED an outlet. i need a space where ppl can listen to my stupid, nonsensical, ill-crafted views. and i know that the people who care are listening. somewhat. somehow. like today during the yf comm 2007 debrief of sorts, i was comparing about HOW lousy my comments were, like other's comments were so well-structured and easy to follow. whereas mine was just a cacophony of feelings.
which is. precisely what you're reading right now.
back to the yf comm debrief. which sparked off more feelings and thoughts then i would have thought, hoped. and everything. initially was very hesistant, ok not really but more of didn't want to go for it? now that it is behind me, the importance of debriefs and stuff have like sunk back to unimportance, and stupid little thing called fun tends to override and take first place. maybe the influence of muff after yf camp.
but i guess. by God's grace (honestly i can find no other reason) i was pulled or called back into this comm meeting/debrief/wake-up session. (if you have read this far i think you'd probably be interested to know more) but yes. the yf comm for the year was definitely not the best. not ability-wise definitely. clearly as individuals we held a lot of promise from the start, and we had much ability to go on and achieve much. but yet at the end, when this debrief comes about. we can only hide behind a desk and cover myself in shame. i will not mention any names but i would like to thank this person. (again) for just reminding me what service is all about. i guess i have been guilty of judging others beyond what my capacity allows me to. since yeah. who are we to judge others when we fall so very short ourselves. but then again. it just boils down to pure selfish ambition i guess. the curse of the day. how we put ourselves above all things, all commitments. and even (a lot of the time) above God.
watched movie 'across the universe' yday. it was really good. love the beatles. anyhow. on the topic i just wanted to extract what one guy said.
for memory's sake, this low-class Liverpudlian had made his way across the Atlantic to Princeton University to find his long-lost father (he was a shipyard working orphan). He met some Princeton kid with rich parents, and was invited to his place for dinner. At the dinner the kid was arguing with his parents about quitting school (PRINCETON!! crazy.) and the kid was saying about its not what you are that defines what you are, but what you do, that defines what you are. when asked for comment. the simpleton from Liverpool replied.
its not about what you do. its about how you do it.
so. very. true.
i guess in the end. what it really means. is obviously. what does it mean from here on then. does this have any effect on me.
2007 has been a great year. no doubt. no less. definitely. but then again. i would love to be able to put my full-heart into things. and be ultimately and fully able to say that. YES. i want to do this. because this is God's will for me. and that by serving him in this manner i think this is the best for everybody. and that regardless of selfish ambition. this will turn out good. and it will. it definitely will.
pray that when 2009 comes (i'll be 21! shite.) i can safely say that. i have... done good.
random thoughts : doing what you want to do. ppl can't really dictate your life. after all. you have to live with your choices, decisions, and bear the full consequences. you reap what you sow. only doors that you knock on will be answered
i love mrs chan. she's my LIFESAVER.
i'm a simpleton. and that's just that.
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